Are you listening, or just waiting to speak?

Think about the last important conversation you had with someone.

Were you fully focused on what they were saying?

Or were you:

• thinking about your response?
• comparing their experience with one of your own?
• working out how to solve their problem?
• waiting for an opportunity to make your point?
• thinking about what you need to do next?

We can be physically present in a conversation while our attention is somewhere else entirely.

That counts because listening is one of the simplest ways to build trust, strengthen relationships and understand what really matters to another person. Yet it is surprisingly easy to get wrong.

Listen to understand

One of the biggest barriers to good listening is that we're often preparing our response while the other person is still talking.

For instance, when someone tells you about a difficult situation at work and you're already thinking about a similar experience you've had. Or someone raises a problem and you're immediately working out how to fix it. When someone gives you a different perspective and you're preparing your counter-argument.

Our own experiences and ideas can be useful, but if we introduce them too quickly, we can miss what the other person is actually trying to tell us.

Try staying with their perspective for a little longer.

Ask yourself:

• What are they really saying?
• What matters to them?
• What might they be feeling?
• What haven't they said yet?

Ask better questions

Good listening isn't passive.

Questions show that you're interested and help you understand what sits behind someone's initial response. Instead of jumping in with your own view, try questions such as:

• “Tell me more about that.”
• “What makes that particularly difficult?”
• “What would a good outcome look like for you?”
• “What do you think is getting in the way?”

And sometimes the best question is simply:

“What else?”

You may be surprised by what comes out when you give someone the space to continue.

Resist the urge to fix

When someone comes to us with a problem, our instinct is often to help.

We offer advice.

We suggest a solution.

We tell them what worked for us.

But sometimes people don't need an answer. They just need someone to listen, help them think things through and perhaps see the situation differently.

This is particularly important for managers.

If you always provide the answer, people can become dependent on you to solve their problems. If you ask questions and help them work through the issue themselves, you're developing their ability to think, make decisions and find their own solutions.

There is a place for giving advice. The skill is knowing when to offer it and when to hold back.

Pay attention to what’s not being said

Listening isn't just about words. Tone of voice, pace, pauses, facial expressions and body language can all provide clues about how someone is feeling.

Someone might say they're “fine” while their tone and behaviour suggest otherwise, or tell you they're happy with a decision but hesitate before answering, or they might repeatedly return to the same issue, even after you've moved on.

These signals don't tell you what someone is thinking, but they can tell you that there may be more to explore.

Rather than making assumptions, check it out:

“You said you're fine with it, but you seem a little hesitant. Is there anything you're unsure about?”

That creates an opportunity for a more honest conversation.

Give people space to think

Silence can feel uncomfortable.

When there's a pause in a conversation, we often rush to fill it. We ask another question, offer a suggestion or move the conversation on.

But giving someone a little more time can make a difference. They may be thinking through what they've just said. They may be deciding whether to share something they're not completely comfortable with. Or they may simply need a moment to work out what they really think.

Resist the temptation to fill every silence. Sometimes, saying nothing is what allows the most useful part of the conversation to emerge.

Are you listening, or just waiting to speak?

Good conversations aren't about making sure everyone gets their say.

They're really about creating enough space for people to understand each other.

That takes attention, curiosity and a willingness to resist the urge to fill every silence or jump in with your own experience.

The next time you're in an important conversation, try talking a little less and listening a little more.

What might you hear that you would otherwise have missed?